just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
