My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
