Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
