Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
