I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
