my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
