I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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