2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
