True but thats because hes a fetus.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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