just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
