we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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