She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
