so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Randomize
