I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
