I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
