you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
