Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Randomize
