Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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