Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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