Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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