i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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