hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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