The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
