I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
