conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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