we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
