my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
