Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
