We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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