there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
