did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
