i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
