I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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