Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
