Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Randomize
