Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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