Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Randomize