he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I think people are normalizing furries
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
