maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Randomize
