I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
