I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
