wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
