I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
