Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
