I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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