i wish peter jackson would direct porn
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
