evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
