We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
