you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize