Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
