I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
