last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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