I just threw up on my dentist
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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