Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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