i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
