I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
her facebook's as public as her vagina
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
