how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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