I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
I did not marry a roomba.
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