This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Maybe he injected his testicle?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
