I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
We were destined to go to rehab together
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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